….

So. Finals are over–finally. We celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve at my grandma’s house, then celebrated by ourselves on Christmas day. Well, as in, we went to church at eleven P.M. on Christmas eve, watched a Christmas movies, slept, took care of dogs, then went to the movies. I think we really just needed a break from everything, and probably everyone too. Things have just been so stressful lately.

Ikkicon was on Friday, which was great. I got to go act freely psycho with my friend TJ without getting kicked out of the hotel. We pretended to be ninja spies, rode escalators Elf-style, acted like creeps plotting revenge as we pressed our faces against the window, did a two-person conga line, squeaked at random people in weird voices, and jumped across the white stripes on the road also in Elf-style. It was really fun, and probably the best Ikkicon we’ve been to so far.

Now my godfather wants me to go spend the night with him on new years, and I really want to, because my godparents and their kids are pretty much my favorite people. They want my aunt and other two cousins to come spend the night too, though, but–please don’t get me wrong, as I said, I do love my family–I’m not sure if that’s the best thing right now. I’ve been with them a little more than usual lately, and they’ve kinda been acting up. The girl, who’s younger, has been constantly making really rude comments that I look bad, and the boy has been acting kinda inappropriately. He keeps going through my things, taking my stuff, following me around, and asking inappropriate questions. The last time we did this sleep-over thing, he was the same way, and my aunt pretty much leaves me to babysit him since we’re two years apart and he’s always with me. Don’t get me wrong–I really, really care about them. But there’s a part of me that if I’m not left alone for a moment, I get really snappy and irritable and feel like I should curl up and die. I get drained a lot more quickly than other people, and I really struggle with putting up with things. And my godparents and aunt like to drag things out–this could be a three-day adventure. I love my family, but…well, I guess I don’t know how to deal with people. That sounds totally Crona-ish, but it’s true.

I’m probably going to regret and delete this, but–it’s also sorta an excuse not to go visit my dad’s family with him. A few months ago, my mom called my other grandmother (his mom) to talk to her about him and ask her for help, and she just started yelling at her and called my mom and my sisters a bunch of inappropriate names. My mom doesn’t think it’s a good idea for her to go because they’re all going to be rude toward her, so my dad wants to go with me to go see them. It’s a six-hour drive, though, and since my mom usually drives half I don’t think it would be safe if he did it himself. And also–agh, regret delete delete delete–I’m not sure my grandmother even really likes me that much. Like, she’s always playing favorites with me and her other granddaughter, and it really is obvious. I’ve pretty much already noticed it, because any time I do something, she follows it with something my cousin did, or even at Christmas there’s an obvious difference between what she does for us (as in, I get a card and she goes all out with my cousin). Honestly, I don’t expect her to anything grand for me; I don’t care if she doesn’t. I just–I don’t know, it kinda hurts that she thinks of her more highly. And she’s said before about “dirty Mexicans” visiting her house that she throws away the soap and everything because she doesn’t know where they’ve been. So, what does she do when we go visit her? Lysol the place because who knows what we Hispanics have been rolling around in? She didn’t even come to my parents’ wedding, and she’s even kicked my family out of her house during Thansgiving dinner because my cousin made up a lie about one of my sisters.

Sisters who have now totally blown me off now. One of them I totally expect it from–she’s trying to clean up her act, but she’s not entirely out of there yet, she’s still choosing her boyfriend over her own daughter, since he’s been charged with abuse or assault or whatever against my niece, he’s not allowed to be around her. And my other sister–the one who practically helped raise me and was always with me–is now off with her boyfriend and his kid, driving around in a car she’s not supposed to be in because she had a really bad seizure and can’t drive for six months, and is acting like a spoiled kid. She hardly even talks to me anymore when we’re together and ignores me whenever I try to. And every time I even say something about her boyfriend or how she’s acting, she says I’m jealous of him or that I’m trying to be like our parents. She would always call me and let me come over or go with her places, but now all she’s concerned about is her boyfriend–the third or fourth one this year.

And my mom’s been really sick on top of being stressed about everything going on with my sisters and our family and stuff, and every time she picks me up from school she’s on the phone with the doctor or had an appointment that day, and whenever we go to Target she has a prescription to be picked up and I just hate it hate it hate it because she’s always sick and feeling bad and she always guilt trips us that one day when she’s gone we’ll miss her but now I’m really scared that something is going to happen to her and I don’t want to be left with my dad because he’s never got anything positive to say and is always mad at my mom or my sisters and I really don’t want to be left with him because he’s already proved his true colors and God, everything just hurts right now, I’m always angry about something and I can’t stand to be around people but I can’t stand to be alone, I gets depressed more easily when I’m alone, and I’ve pretty much been alone all day today keeping house because my mom is sick in bed and I don’t know what to do, don’t feel like doing anything, I’m just sitting here thinking of something to write or draw or do but I have no drive, it’s like I’m feeling angry and upset because lately that’s all I ever feel, but numb on top of it all but really angry but upset because underneath everything that’s all it is. And I wish I was a kid so I would be allowed to have a tantrum, yell and throw things, but I can’t because I’m fifteen and mature and can’t throw fits because people are counting on me to be the easy child who doesn’t get a boyfriend and run away and quit school and have an abortion because I’m supposed to be the good one and if I do anything at all I’m not just going to upset everyone, I’ll upset my mom and get her more sick and I’ll end up even unhappier with myself. Sometimes I wish I just had a break from me. I get so tired of being myself who is lazy and weak and a faker and a liar, and I know I should be on my knees praying, but I don’t know what I can say anymore. Because the first thing that pops to my mind when I try to pray is I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, and it’s a beautiful thing He hasn’t given up on me yet. And I’m scared to death of dying because God, I don’t want you to be disappointed in me, but sometimes I can’t live with myself and would rather live with You instead. And I wonder if You really do have a place for me.

 

 

Wow, I’m sorry. This quickly turned into a ranting session. I don’t know, I’ve been feeling nasty all day for no apparent reason and really needed to vent. I just had to get it out. I’m sorry. Will delete.

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